Tuesday, October 6, 2009

how tragic

This woman, she is so insecure. She makes movements, useless movements and noise because the vital life in her is not functioning. It's replacement. I see many people behave in this way, and I cannot accept that this is anyone's true nature. The mind of man is hijacked.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

just to see how different from before:

1. Which song describes the mood you are in right now?
Would I Be the One-Sean Lennon

2. Which song describes the mood you are usually in?
Relief-Cold War Kids

3. Which song describes one of your favorites things to do?
Sad Robot- Stars

4. Which song describes something else you like to do?
Little Bit- Lykke Li

5. Which song explains the way you think about love?
Jet Age- Ladytron
please no.

6. What would you sing to your soulmate right now?
Dissent-Andrew Bird
HAHAHA, perfect.

7. Which song best represents you?
Symphony Number 3 in E Flat-Beethoven

8. Which song describes your sexual preference?
Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above- CSS

9. Which song describes what would occur between you and a (male) prostitute

10. Your lover on the side?
Angel in Disguise-Pillar

11. How about your wife or husband?
The Imperial March- John Williams(Star Wars)

12. Which song would be played at your wedding?
Behind Your Eyes-Jon Foreman

13. Which song would be played at your wedding reception?
Urge On!!-Polysics

14. Which song describes yourself in the future?
Regime Change-Disciple

15. Which song describes yourself in the past?
Every Man I Fall For-CWK
oh wow. um, no comment.

16. Which song would be appropriate for a one night stand?
See You In the Evening-Mazarin

17. Which song would best describe your first time kissing?
Help I'm Alive-Metric Fantasies

18. Your first time having sex?
Hella Good-No Doubt
I swear I'm not manipulating these.

19. Which song would best describe your fashion sense?
Ooh-Scissor Sisters

20. Which song would describe your taste in the opposite or same sex?
You Make Me like Charity- The Knife

21. Which song best describes your parents?
Guilty-Bee Gees

22. Which song best describes your family in general?
Elouise-Say Hi

23. Which song best describes your friends?
All Things Must Pass-The Beatles

24. Which song best describes your school?
Cold Beer and Remote Control-Indigo Girls

25. Which song best describes your public personality?
The Year in Review-Her Space Holiday

26. Which song best describes your private personality?
Things Left Unsaid(acoustic)-Disciple

27. The weather outside is...
Nemesis-Aaron Parks

28. I feel like...

29. I would really love to...
Subtle Oddities-Lemon Demon

30. No one can stop me from...

31. Today I will...
Sleep Tonight-Stars

32. Love is like...
Rave Suckers-0xbbninja

33. I would call myself...
Particle Beam Dream-JEFF

34. I've never been to...
God Put A Smile Upon Your Face-Coldplay

35. If I were a...
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh -Say Hi

36. Never forget...
Record Year-The Decemberists

37. Noone believes me when...
Oh Yoko-John Lennon

38. I would never...
Hooray, It's LA-Blindside

39. I could see myself as...
It's the End of the World as We Know It- R.E.M

40. I'm as fun as...
Head Like A Hole-NIN

41. I wish...
Sent To Destroy-Combichrist

42. He will never understand why...
Out of Character-Eulogies

43. I'm nearly...
Sick Muse- Metric

44. I want to see...
Lake of Fire-Nirvana
Nah, no matter what my parents say. :b

45. At night time...
Rock and Roll Band-Boston

46. My fashion sense is...
Bastille Day-Rush

47. I cry when...
Don't Wanna Leave Her Now-The Beatles

48. The moon is...
Flower of Scotland-Ceol Leinn

49. I get tired when...
When Fire Falls-Myriad

50. I lack...
Dry Clothes-Annuals

51. I'm so absorbing in...
More Than Useless-Relient K

52. I should be...
Radio Kaliningrad-Handsome Furs

53. I can't seem to forget...
Lady Madonna-The Beatles

54. Where in the world is...
Clinically Dead-Chad VanGaalen

55. I don't want to hear...
Love is a battlefield - Pat Benetar

56. Don't give up on...
Closer Than Close-Bee Gees

57. I should give up on...
Rumours-Love is All

58. I want to be...

59. I like alot of...
This is Halloween- Marylin Manson

60. I often think about...
Failure to Excommunicate-Relient K

61. I don't understand why...
You Made My Day-Welcome Wagon

62. Guys are...
Well that's offensive.

63. Girls go to...
Arms of a Thief-Iron and Wine
Mmm, yummy. Rogues!

64. I'm in trouble for...
Shark Attack-Freezepop

67. All I've ever cared about was...
Let it All Out- RK

68. Take me away from...
Hammer-Caribbean Island Steel Band

69. The worst possible thing is...
All the Small Things-Blink 182


01. What is your town like? Ares-Bloc Party

02. What mood are you in? Down With the Sickness

03. How's your love life? poopy-Neil Cicierega *giggle* Well, not quite.

04. What will you grow up to be? Fix You-Coldplay This song makes me cry every time.

05. What are you afraid of? All We Ask-Grizzly Bear

06. Best place you have ever been? Half a Person-The Welcome Wagon

07. What do you first think about in the morning? Rolling Star-Bleach


01. What was your birth like? Paintbox-Pink Floyd ew.

02. How did you feel about life in the early years? Friends and Foes-Will Willis

03. What was your first crush like? From Me to You-The Beatles

04. Your worst fears? Mexican Dogs-CWK That really sounds bad in this context.

05. Your dream job as a child? Yaya-Ray Rogers

06. What will your first job be? The New Kid Revival- Her Space Holiday

07. How will your first love be? Bodies-Drowning Pool

08. Favorite hobby? The Boys and Girls- HSH

09. Something you HATE? Ebaum's World Dot Com-Lemon Demon heh.

10. Something you love? Thoughts of A Dying Atheist-Muse

11. Your wedding will be like? Neon Bible-The Arcade Fire Study this song, you guys.

12. How will you die? Teardrop-Massive Attack

13. What have people thought about you? Lion's Mane-Iron and Wine Hell yes. Hear my roar.


01. Your clothes are like? “Cupid Chain Gang-John Lennon and Paul McCartney

02. Your hair is like? Staples- RK

03. Your smile is like? Pirates- Indigo Jam Unit

04. Your school is like? The Asteroid Field-John Williams(Star Wars)

05. Your favorite drink is like? Maintenance Hall, 4am-Stars

06. Your favorite food is like? Words-BeeGees

07. Your humor is like? Tell Me in the Morning-CWK


01. Your name? Chasin' After You-Will Willis

02. Words to describe you? Sweet Transvestite- Rocky Horror Picture Show

03. Your current mood? Munich-The Editors

04. Favorite pasttime? Shag With the Stereo On-Tim Minchin

05. Your guitly pleasure? Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me- Rocky Horror

06. A pet peeve of yours? Echo Train-Chad VanGaalen

07. An embarrassing thing youve done? Instant Karma-John Lennon

08. Relationship status? Evening on the Ground-Iron and Wine

09. Future plans? At the End of the Sky-Darkel

10. Last words? Superstar-Saliva

Tuesday, June 16, 2009



From Music Because It's the Only Thing Filtering my Mind Through my Fingertips

Come What May
At Last
my love has come
As We Came
love is a madness
love is a sadness
What Are We?
in love
hands travel on the
Southbound Train
Going To A Town
making my own way out
until we reach

What if and What Not?

What if the clocks ran dry
What if the time stood by
What if the love was bared
What if the sky was shared
What if the hell was gone
What if the heart was bone
What if the gods above were alone?

***I imagine it would be a very bleak existence.

I've Learned

What have I learned? I've learned that I have inner strength that doesn't rely on anything. I've learned that you have to keep your head above the water as you let yourself get swept away by the current to a new land. I've learned that things that hurt you hurt. Scarred skin is tough. Healed skin is beautiful and an undetected part of myself. I've learned that incomplete resistance isn't failure; it's human and it's progress. It's Working On It. I've learned that emotions can be a fog that keeps you from seeing the way things are far away, but make you focus on what you are right now, right here. I've learned that it's hard to see over the mountains to the lush fields when you're crying a river in the lowest point of a valley. I've learned that once that river is all cried out, it will float you away and set you free with all the world and your life before your toes. I've learned that love begins, then Is, then wails, then Goes On. I've learned that self is ever-changing and never-ending. Forms run together and make the next, each former influencing the way it will happen to be next. I've learned much.
I can feel it. It's going to be One of Those Summers to follow the vibrant spring of my soul. We grew together and now we thrive apart, carrying the seeds we sowed, watered by outside forces. I loved you and now I Love.
People are perpetual saplings with the spirits of a great Oak.

I heart my frank pyschiatrist

Me: Well, I had a boyfriend for a few months, but he decided he must go on a spiritual journey that God was calling him to devote his heart fully to.
(long pause as Dr. L stares with an amused expression)
Me: Yeah, stay away from the poetic types.
Dr. L: Or the fruitloops.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

All I can see is spots.

sunspots cast a glare in my eyes
sometimes i forget i'm alive
i feel it coming and i've gotta get out of it's way
i hear it calling and i come cuz i can't disobey
i should not listen and i shouldn't believe but i do
yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologize
for the way i feel

my life it seems has taken a turn
why in the name of god would i ever want to return

peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
i wanna kill away the rest of what's left
and i do
yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologize
for the way i feel

and nothing can stop me now
there's nothing to fear
and everything that ever was
is inside of here

woah woah woah woah woah
inside of here

now i just stare into the sun
and i see everything i've done
i think i could have been someone
but i can't stop what has begun
when everything is said and done
and there is no place left to run
i think i used to be someone
now i just stare into the sun

It's Not Impossible
I wrote pages about how I could never
So many phases back and forth and wherever
Sometimes so quiet hearing the little mice creep
While in my head the riot wouldn’t let me sleep

Up hills in Portugal
Across the Berlin Wall
Now it’s hard to remember when
I had no hope of you my friend

But it’s not impossible
It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible

I looked for hands until I was surrounded
Everyone else seemed they already had found it
Never collected what I thought was owed me
Now I know it’s not you, but at least you showed me

It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible, I thought so
But it’s not impossible

I’m still not certain, but it’s not so deadly
I’m not that person that despaired so steadily
Like sink tap water through my hands it went
But as long as failure's only ninety nine percent

It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible, I thought so
But it’s not impossible
-Jeffrey Lewis

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Gloating is Fucking Fun

You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, how is it?
delicious and awesome

What is your current mood?
Saturday afternoon

What are you currently listening to?
a lawnmower

Is there anyone you know that deserves to get slapped?

Have you had your first kiss yet?

Where do you go when you need to just get away?

Will the next month be a good one?
I'll make it so

What's something you really want right now?
a working charger for poor Trydan

Who last called you babe or baby?
uh...no one

How do you feel about your hair right now?
I feel...pretty? Oh so pretty?

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you speak with them?

When is the last time you said you were fine and you really weren't?
maybe topically, but it's been some time now

Who was the last person to make fun of you?
the only person who can and get away with it

Will this upcoming weekend be a good one?

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?
yeah, I think so

Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?

Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
one of my favorite places to be

When was the last time you talked to your best friends?

Would you like to put last night on repeat, and live it forever?
hell no; can you imagine the life would I never experience if I did that?

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed?

When is the next time you'll hug someone?

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend?

Where was your default picture taken?
the road

What was the weather like today?
overcast and warm, but I like it

Is it easy to make you cry?

What would you do if your best friend died?
oh shit...I don't know if I could do anything

I bet you miss somebody right now?
not really

Can you honestly say your okay right now?
fucking bloody hell yes!

What are you doing tomorrow night?
no idea

What about the night after that?
no idea

Do you tell people you're okay when you're really not?
as a formality

What's a recent memory that you miss?
the night...the stars and moon...lying in the grass...sitting on the rooftop, on the bridge, in the thicket...

Last person you saw other than your family?
Jake and Ian

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you?
that's a universal thing

According to your Ex, you are...?
not affectionate

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I'm not afraid

What is your favorite thing that is green?
moss in the rain

Are you in love with someone right now?
I'm thinking yes, but I want Time to define it further

Did you feel better or worse or the same yesterday?
"it's getting better all the time"

Do you sleep well at night?
but sometimes I dwell on happiness and can't drift away from consciousness
Reality is better than my dreams or black foggy unawareness

What did you last cry over?
wanting to be in a certain state

Who was the last person you said I love you to?
I suppose I did.

Where do you want to be?
That is no matter of fear. That is special and its just for me, thank you.

Who do you want to be with?

Ever been in true love?
What an assuming notion. How would anyone know, other than telling theirself?

Rolled on the ground w/ the opposite sex?
Yes, but it was much more violent and in good fun, like overgrown lion cubs, than sexual. Heh, don't tell Jesse I called him an overgrown child.

Most missed Memory?
!! /w/6 // !3-5/!

Favorite thing about them?
him. That's my goddamned favorite thing.

Would you die for this person?
how selfish of me that would be

What is your worst memory?
loose lipped animal
a solid space to pain is a verbing noun
I became grasping vine
no hope tree support
and the metaphor becomes hidibeast

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I'm not fucking pro-life and I don't want to pretend to be on invitation

I won't bitch and moan about the total ineffectiveness of Facebook activism.
Even if it is.
Why the hell send me a goddamned invitation to a group like "Let's See How Many Pro Life People Are On Facebook" or "I love Jesus and He Loves Me Too!" Come freaking on, it pisses me off in a way I am usually immune to. Maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed if you didn't know how fucking lefty and PRO CHOICE I am or that I'm openly atheist.
You guys know you can skip the "invite your friends" part, right? No shitting you, Robocop isn't going to laser beam down your fucking front door and drag you into the street to ass-rape you as the neighborhood kids watch.
You won't even be deleted from the group.
Fucking fucktastical fuck-fucking fucker.
And don't bother sending me lame fucking app invites. I'll delete them and think of you as even more pathetic and boring than I already know someone who spends their time taking bullshit quizzes and virtually poking people they haven't seen since middle school to be.

Friday, March 27, 2009

sweet Mother Mary in a slice of toast, this is delicious

Coffee+Choco milk mix(for example: Hershey's or Carnation Instant Breakfast) = yum

Don't skip the sugar, though. It makes it sweet and wonderful.
Creamer and flavored syrup, like hazelnut or caramel, can be added for combos.
Sugar in the Raw is delicious on toppa the whipped cream.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Things I've Done

Things you have done during your lifetime:
() Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
() Watched someone die
() Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been on a helicopter (but I wasn't born yet)
(X) Been lost
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
() Sang Karaoke
() Paid for a meal with coins only
() Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
() Been to the top of the Empire State Building
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t.
(X) Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
() Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (annoyingly yes)
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
() Gone skinny dipping
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
() Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
( ) Paid it forward
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
() Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
(X) Been on a cruise
(X) Traveled by train
( ) Traveled by motorcycle
(X) Been horseback riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(X) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World
() Been in a rain forest
( ) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Ridden on an elephant
() Ridden on a camel
() Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
() Been snow-skiing
() Been to Westminster Abbey
() Been to the Louvre
( ) Been to a bull fight in Spain
() Swam in the Mediterranean
(X) Been to a Major League Baseball game (against my will)
( ) Been to a National Football League game
(X) Been moved to tears
(X) Done something to change someone else’s life

Not bad for sixteen years. I'm not going to stop at these, though. ;)

Sunday, February 15, 2009

drafting, free will, and consent of the governed

If the power of the government lies in the willingness of the people to be governed, what can be said about the draft? For that matter, what about any law?
Is consenting to be governed worth as much as consenting by free will?
Of course, you have free will. But do you have freedom if the consequences are so undesirable they are almost always a deterrent?
Free will is an illusion, correct? Are our actions not determined by biological reactions, urges, and programming? So it seems "free will" is merely a euphemism for possibility. But then, can anything be done about the state of the cat in the box?
By this line of reasoning, the most potent government is one without laws. Perhaps not the most stable or the safest, but the most powerful.
Then the question becomes one of the primal inclinations of humanity, from that, society.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Bullshit Day!

ingredients for an awesome February 14, alone
-1 large hot bath
-chamomile bath oils/salts to taste
-1 good book, completely unrelated to romance
-Songbird, laptop, remote control
-one small bowl of fruit, chocolate
-8 oz. ice water
-2 cozy towels
-1 house coat

1. You're home alone. Walk around naked. Liberating, hmm?

2. Fill bath with comfortably hot water. Add oil and salts.
3. Prepare fruit. Serve with slab of chocolate and glass of cold water.
4. Place laptop on counter. Open media playing program. Play favorite music.
5. Search for appropriate book on shelf. Place on side of bath.

6.Check water temperature with foot.
7. Place towel in water. Lower self into water. Relax muscles.
8. Read book and eat fruit with bites of choco.
9. Close book. Sink into bathwater.
10. Breathe deeply. Try taking deep breaths while submerged.
11. Enjoy almost weightless sensation.

12. When feeling drowsy or soggy, get out of tub and dry self with towel.
13. Put on robe.
14. Snuggle with cat.

and step 15: Feel the fucking lower back-I-don't-even-know-what-the-hell-it-is-actually pain return.

Honestly, though, it was pleasant. The bath. The pain sucked.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

That's not what she said

or: That's what Dylan said to Jesse

mum: (says something mundane)
me: That's what she said.
mum: Who is "she?" *confused expression*
me: *bursts into gasping, uncontrollable laughter*
mum: Is it something...twisted or...sick?
me: Depends. Are you Mormon?
mum: No...
me: Are you Catholic?
mum: No...
me: Are you protestant?
mum: Yes...
me: Then yes. Yes, it is.

Friday, January 30, 2009

dream dump

I wish I could type in charts.
The Pineapple House plus Cat's Eye Corner plus the artsy part of a micropolis-
that was the place in my dream. It was the same familiar but off- colour world that recurs in my sleeping fantasies. Usually, there's disaster in dreams in this alternate reality. Usually, water. Sometimes family.
What happened:
I don't remember. There are pieces.
-a new home, ecstatic to find spacious and interesting grounds
-hills, old metal playgrounds, garden...
-I discover that I live in a house in a public space
-exploring and little twat calling me down
-pipes, something about pipes
-a house across the street selling laundry or some shit like that
-lady waves from center upstairs window(A frame)
-gorgeous entrance

I figured it out. I can say whatever the hell I want because I'm talking to myself here.
I mean, if you look at the memes from last month you would think I knew that already.
Before it was me not caring, but now I'm confirmed unfiltered. So to test this new form of freedom, I say:
I like switchblades. Sexually. And your mother is the filthy orc-bitch alphawhore of her precious Fido's dreams.
Bothered? Disturbed? Good.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

damn- or, 3 little binges all in a row

I've felt it coming for a while.
I didn't eat enough for breakfast this morning- half an apple. My lunch wasn't enough- 3/4 cup whole grain Cheerios. I didn't do it on purpose, I just didn't get home as soon as I thought I would. I get home at 3:30 and I'm ravenous. I eat 19 Mini- Wheats with 1/4 cup skim milk. That doesn't satisfy me and I go upstairs to change clothes. I'd "obtained" some candy. Don't worry guys, nothing illegal, only immoral. I was going to eat it gradually over a few weeks. I first got sucked into picking because I had a chance to. That's all it takes anymore. 20 minutes. I'm feeling shitty and I haven't had my meds in 3 days on purpose because of the side effects. I feel shitty, like I said, because I was so looking foward to something and some bullshit tradition ruined it. That's all I'll say.
So I'm hungry and I don't know what else. I'm already unstable and at risk for a number of behaviors. My seratonin levels are low and cortisol levels high. I don't know what made me start, but I couldn't stop when I started.
Long story short, I ate an entire vending machine- sized bag of Skittles and Kit Kat Bar, then polished off the rest of the peppermint bark. I felt so guilty but the pleasure from it was amazing.
This might not seem like much in comparison, and my brand of fucked up isn't bulimic. But what I am can vary occasionally when driven. Impulse control and anxiety is at the center of everything. Anyway, as I was saying, for a health nut and low calorie eater like me, this is a shitload. I had no control.
So I exercised excessively today to relieve my guilt.
For supper, a few shrimp chewed and spit and eating half a tilapia filet.
I still felt hungry. I wished I hadn't put the other half of that tilapia down the garbage disposal. I think I ate some toffee or something, because I've been craving sugar and Bad Things today.
Later, I started to clean the hamster cage. I found myself picking again. Two hours.
Two fucking hours. I don't even know how I did that.
I said okay, when I finish the cage, I'll wash my hands and get something to eat because I'm hungry and my head is starting to hurt. So I eat a brownie. I wish I had eaten some fruit instead, but my metabolism is fast and I can take it. I don't feel guilty that much, but maybe because I took the last 2 days' pills 3 hours ago.
Soon I find myself in the kitchen craving sweets.
Another long short story, I consume a waffle with honey, leftover mashed potatoes, toffee, pickles, and a gingersnap. The nature of it was frenzied, and out of control. I guess my body wanted to feel full.
I dunno why I didn't go for the Butterfinger cake the entire time. Apparently, the compulsion included a low calorie clause.
Usually I'm more of the obsessive nutrient counting, calorie restricting, portion measuring, over-exercising, leg shaking, researching type. So today was wierd.
And I have no gag reflex, which is probably a good thing. Exercise is better for me.
Fun connection: they're often very intelligent, extremely talented athletes, perfectionists...

Monday, January 19, 2009


Shaking, dancing on into the hour, frantic movement and burns the consequence away.

yummy thing

I discovered this while making...sushi. Don't ask, I was experimenting. Wasabi flavored things are yummy sushi fillings, btw.
I had sushi rice in the first batch, but I don't recommend using it unless you want a meal or something.

-about 2/3 cup Cheerios(I used whole grain but any kind would work, probably)
-1/4 cup granola(I used some from Marshall's, slightly cinnamony and with dried rasberries)
-1 small strawberry, cut into small chunks
-brown sugar to taste
-tablespoon of honey, more or less to taste

Add descending size order for easier mixing. Cheerios, strawberries, granola, brown sugar. You can mix the ingredients pre or post honey. Add honey, mix with spoon. Eat. Spazz.

It's healthy, crunchy and sweet.

Tell me how this works for you/about variations or suggestions.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

an rp from last year, during a chorus concert


This one tries to be both evangelical and clever

I blogged this exchange on June 20, 2008, but I think it deserves a repost here.
My views and ideas have changed since(still not theist or religious), but this is funny shit.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Adrienne ♥
Date: Jun 18, 2008 3:17 PM

i was wondering about the thing on ur profile that says that u r agnostic. i was just wondering wat that is cause i dont understand.

can u please send me a message back and explain it to me?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Mo: stalker of humanity
Date: Jun 18, 2008 11:29 PM

Here's some info I found online. Please read it, it'll explain some things well.I'll explain more for myself after it.

"What Is an agnostic?

An agnostic thinks it impossible to know the truth in matters such as God and the future life with which Christianity and other religions are concerned. Or, if not impossible, at least impossible at the present time.
Are agnostics atheists?

No. An atheist, like a Christian, holds that we can know whether or not there is a God. The Christian holds that we can know there is a God; the atheist, that we can know there is not. The Agnostic suspends judgment, saying that there are not sufficient grounds either for affirmation or for denial. At the same time, an Agnostic may hold that the existence of God, though not impossible, is very improbable; he may even hold it so improbable that it is not worth considering in practice. In that case, he is not far removed from atheism. His attitude may be that which a careful philosopher would have towards the gods of ancient Greece. If I were asked to prove that Zeus and Poseidon and Hera and the rest of the Olympians do not exist, I should be at a loss to find conclusive arguments. An Agnostic may think the Christian God as improbable as the Olympians; in that case, he is, for practical purposes, at one with the atheists.
Since you deny ..God's Law', what authority do you accept as a guide to conduct?

An Agnostic does not accept any ..authority' in the sense in which religious people do. He holds that a man should think out questions of conduct for himself. Of course, he will seek to profit by the wisdom of others, but he will have to select for himself the people he is to consider wise, and he will not regard even what they say as unquestionable. He will observe that what passes as ..God's law' varies from time to time. The Bible says both that a woman must not marry her deceased husband's brother, and that, in certain circumstances, she must do so. If you have the misfortune to be a childless widow with an unmarried brother-in-law, it is logically impossible for you to avoid disobeying ..God's law'.
How does an agnostic regard the Bible?

An agnostic regards the Bible exactly as enlightened clerics regard it. He does not think that it is divinely inspired; he thinks its early history legendary, and no more exactly true than that in Homer; he thinks its moral teaching sometimes good, but sometimes very bad. For example: Samuel ordered Saul, in a war, to kill not only every man, woman, and child of the enemy, but also all the sheep and cattle. Saul, however, let the sheep and the cattle live, and for this we are told to condemn him. I have never been able to admire Elisha for cursing the children who laughed at him, or to believe (what the Bible asserts) that a benevolent Deity would send two she-bears to kill the children.
How does an agnostic regard Jesus, the Virgin Birth, and the Holy Trinity?

Since an agnostic does not believe in God, he cannot think that Jesus was God. Most agnostics admire the life and moral teachings of Jesus as told in the Gospels, but not necessarily more than those of certain other men. Some would place him on a level with Buddha, some with Socrates and some with Abraham Lincoln. Nor do they think that what He said is not open to question, since they do not accept any authority as absolute.
Does an agnostic believe in a hereafter, in Heaven or Hell?

The question whether people survive death is one as to which evidence is possible. Psychical research and spiritualism are thought by many to supply such evidence. An agnostic, as such, does not take a view about survival unless he thinks that there is evidence one way or the other.
How do agnostics explain miracles and other revelations of God's omnipotence?

Agnostics do not think that there is any evidence of "miracles" in the sense of happenings contrary to natural law. We know that faith healing occurs and is in no sense miraculous. At Lourdes, certain diseases can be cured and others cannot. Those that can be cured at Lourdes can probably be cured by any doctor in whom the patient has faith. As for the records of other miracles, such as Joshua commanding the sun to stand still, the agnostic dismisses them as legends and points to the fact that all religions are plentifully supplied with such legends. There is just as much miraculous evidence for the Greek gods in Homer as for the Christian God in the Bible.
Is not faith in reason alone a dangerous creed? Is not reason imperfect and inadequate without spiritual and moral law?

No sensible man, however agnostic, has "faith in reason alone." Reason is concerned with matters of fact, some observed, some inferred. The question whether there is a future life and the question whether there is a God concern matters of fact, and the agnostic will hold that they should be investigated in the same way as the question, "Will there be an eclipse of the moon tomorrow?" But matters of fact alone are not sufficient to determine action, since they do not tell us what ends we ought to pursue. In the realm of ends, we need something other than reason. The agnostic will find his ends in his own heart and not in an external command.
Do agnostics think that science and religion are impossible to reconcile?

The answer turns upon what is meant by ..religion'. If it means merely a system of ethics, it can be reconciled with science. If it means a system of dogma, regarded as unquestionably true, it is incompatible with the scientific spirit, which refuses to accept matters of fact without evidence, and also holds that complete certainty is hardly ever impossible."
from http://humanum. arts. cuhk. edu. hk/humftp/E-text/Russell/agnostic. htm

"Ultimately, the term "Agnostic" is something like "Christianity." Both refer to a wide diversity of belief systems, but in many cases, an individual asserts that their particular definition is the only fully valid one.

The one principle linking all meanings of "Agnostic" is that God's existence can neither be proved nor disproved, on the basis of current evidence. Agnostics note that some theologians and philosophers have tried to to prove, for millennia, that God exists. Others have attempted to prove that God does not exist. Agnostics feel that neither side has convincingly succeeded at their task."
As currently defined, an agnostic usually holds the question of the existence of God open, pending the arrival of more evidence. They are willing to change their belief if some solid evidence or logical proof is found in the future."
Agnostic atheists: those who believe that it is very improbable that a deity exists."
from http://www. religioustolerance. org/agnostic. htm

I am humanist as well.
"Secular Humanism is a non-theistically based philosophy which promotes humanity as the measure of all things. It had its roots in the rationalism of the 18th Century and the free thought movement of the 19th Century.

Some factors that most Humanists share:

Either they do not believe in the existence of a deity, or they don't really care about the topic.
They believe that excellent codes of behavior and morality can be created through reason.
Humans created the Gods and Goddesses in their own image.
They are very concerned about human rights and equal opportunities for all.
They tend to be at the liberal end of the spectrum on such controversial topics as abortion access; equal rights for gays, lesbians and bisexuals; same-sex marriage, physician assisted suicide, separation of church and state, etc."
Being secular Humanists, they reject the concept of a personal God,"
a rejection of a created universe in favor of the theory of evolution and an uncreated universe that obeys natural laws.
a rejection of divinely inspired ethical and moral codes in favor of codes derived by reason from the human condition."
They feel that religious groups' "promises of immortal salvation or fear of eternal damnation are both illusory and harmful."
They accept democracy and reject both theocracy and secular dictatorships as political systems that are dangerous to individual freedoms.
They value freedom of inquiry, expression and action. They have a history of combating bigotry, hatred, discrimination, intolerance and censorship.
They are energetic supporters of the principle of separation of church and state.
They tend to have very liberal beliefs about controversial ethical topics, like abortion, corporal punishment of children, death penalty, enforced prayer in schools, homosexuality, physician assisted suicide, etc.
They believe that "moral values derive their source from human experience." Since most believe that an afterlife is non-existent, they regard life here on earth to be particularly precious. They are highly motivated to alleviating pain and misery around the world. Many are active in refugee, human rights, anti-death penalty, environmental groups, etc.
Generally speaking, they do not believe in
a personal God, a Goddess or a combination of Goddesses and Gods."
Humans are an integral part of nature, the result of unguided evolutionary change.
Ethical values are derived from human need and interest as tested by experience.
Life's fulfillment emerges from individual participation in the service of humane ideals.
Humans are social by nature and find meaning in relationships."
from http://www. religioustolerance. org/humanism1. htm

I add:
I think that God of the holy bible cannot exist, as science and the bible itself has proven. A belief in a god has been found to be a genetic inclination, and healing through prayer a placebo.
Many cultures have used gods to explain what could not be explained, and science eventually found explanations; the people gradually accepted these.
I do believe that a spiritual force is highly possible, one that exists in much the same way as gravity, time, space, or magnetism.
Science has yet to explain and discover many things, even things we do not know of yet. I choose to accept this fact rather than using a primitive explanation that has been disproven or discredited several times over.

All that I believe was gathered by plugging facts into reason and thinking through. I only researched and read about different belief systems to know what to call myself and gain insight from different viewpoints after I had formed my ideas. I'm not done yet, as new knowledge is always being gained. I don't neccessarily expect you to accept my belief system, because you've been taught that your truth is absolute, and to not let anything sway you. Frankly, Christianity and church are brainwashing, and few people ever allow themselves to experience freethinking.

If you have any questions, I'll be leaving for vacation the 22nd and will be back the following Sunday. Hopefully, my keyboard will be fixed(I'm using the on-screen keyboard, which is very tedious) when we get back and I'll be able to explain better.


first of all no i DO NOT accept ur belief system mostly bacause it is WRONG!!! and yes i KNOW that Christianty is absolutly, 100% right and true!!!!!! and no i am not "brainwashed" into thinking that God is real but i KNOW that He is, and if u dont believe that then i am really going to miss u in heaven. i dont kno wat made u to think all this is true btu it is not!!! im praying that u will realize that God is real and that He loves u even tho u r doubting Him He still loves u!!!

My bestie Jen is awesome:

I for one commend you for being so honest and straightforward about your beliefs. I used to have "agnostic" posted on my profile but took it down when people started giving me a hard time. Maybe I should fix that.

It's really a shame that some people are so intolerant of others' beliefs as to verbally assault someone for expressing their opinion (an opinion which, to top it all off, was asked for.) Also, I loved the part about "I'm not brainwashed, I KNOW it's true." Perhaps a correct statement, but still the worst argument I've ever seen. To the commenter: Sweetheart, what exactly do you think "brainwashed" means?

As a fellow agnostic (I'm what's sometimes called a Spiritual Agnostic. We believe that there is some kind of god, but we don't assume to understand what it truly is.), I give you kudos for providing quick access to this information for anyone who wishes to better understand Agnosticism.

Posted by Benihime on June 20, 2008 -"

More comments at the original post.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

small furry thing

Melbourne the black bear hamster has been in my care for around 24 hours now and I already see her personality.

A few things:
-Mel is overconfident. Minnie(cat) is fierce. Mickie(cat) is a wuss. He bolts from the hamster ball and hides in the closet. Minnie stalks Mel, then jumps back when the plastic ball bumps her nose.

Mel climbs everything but the platforms and tubes in his enclosure, then falls off and tumbles. Repeat.

Mel likes running on top of the wheel.

Mel picks through his food and can deep- throat a baby carrot. Or pack it in his cheek. Whatever.

Mel sometimes has all paws in the air when cleaning herself. A self- cleaning hamster, btw, is completely adorable.

My mother is afraid of touching her. We're working on that.

Fun fact: Hamsters are nocturnal and their favorite thins are the noisy ones. Last night I slept like a new mother, only without getting up every time I woke. I stepped out of bed at 8:30 on a Saturday, goddamnit.

Oh oh oh, now Mel is chasing Minnie around my room in his little hamster ball! Pussy.

You see what I did there?

Wednesday, January 14, 2009






Fantastical places:

Dragon names:

-Oh, boff me with a bloody stapler!
-Oh, screw me with a barnacled pitchfork!

from Serendipity

Saturday, January 10, 2009

things that are not on the calorie need calculator's list of activities

1. tapping the floor methodically in patterns of movement and sound
2. chanting with "spoon", "knife", and "fork"
2. touching a nail to places on the chair so dad doesn't die, making sure to only touch the blanket as you do so
3. picking scabs
4. rubbing neck just below ears
5. placing things on the desk in neat rows at the edge of the counter
6. worrying about perfection
8. weighing nutritional value of all like foods in the cabinet
9. lining up the seashells in neat rows by category and size
10. making lists

Thursday, January 1, 2009

theoretical situations

I've edited to remove his personal details and for easier reading.
It started with a message between Sabunim and me.

-So, your home is burning. You have a box. You have restrictions on the contents of the box. You are allowed to save 1 sentimental object, one document, one electronic, one CD, one piece of clothing, one piece of art, and one book. What do you choose?
-Now imagine that in return for losing all(and I mean absolutely all) possessions except for the set of clothes you are currently wearing, you will be free to go anywhere in the world whenever and for however long you please. Would/could you do it?
-Now replace freedom of travel with ideal relationships with whoever you can imagine, even if you do not know the specific person yet.
-Replace that with experiences- doing whatever you want, when you want to, but not including the regaining of any possessions. Assume that for all scenarios.
--Also assume access to, but not ownership of, what is needed for hygiene and sustenance(food, water, shelter when applicable, etc.)
-Another exercise: Imagine that you must stay in one community of your choice with no contact with the world outside it for the rest of your life, but in return you will receive anything you desire, both goods and services. You may not use the goods/services to travel or gain contact with the world outside the community. Would/could you do it? What if you could not choose the community?

(his reply and the same query)

-sentimental item: Um....I dunno, for most things the valuable part is the memory, and as long as I had that, it wouldn't matter. But I'll say my quote book because it once gave me a voice and is full of beautifully said thoughts one might have him/herself. It's something that means a great deal to me but cannot be substituted with pure memory or replaced.

-paper document: one of the poems I have written on a scrap of paper, either Sympathy or The Universe. I think I got the idea from a story I read in Mr. Arnold's class. It was about a homeless man who carried poems on paper scraps in his pocket and shared them with a librarian. Really, it was about the lesson and emotions learned, but you know what I mean.
It was rather poignant, and not in the usual obnoxious way that pleads for the reader to like it or only tells the reader that he/she should find it so. I like the idea. Sometimes I leave a poem to be found. Of course, these poem scraps are not irreplaceable, but that is my choice. That was long.

-clothing(assuming that the exercise excludes what I'm wearing at the time of the fire, which would most likely be appropriate for the temperature): clean underwear. It seems practical. *shrug* I could get underwear later, sure, but I would most likely need(okay, reallly want) a fresh pair before I got to do so.

-electronic: I choose my Zune. Since I wouldn't be able to recall the all the 400 songs that are stored only on it, that makes what it holds irreplaceable in other circumstance. I could gain internet access elsewhere and all my bookmarks are either backed up by Foxmarks or in google bookmarks. Replacing programs, settings, add-ons would be easy when I eventually bought another computer. Pretty much everything is freeware, anyway. :D That is why I do not choose a computer, even though it stores music and does many other things. If this was not the situation, that would be my choice. If this happens after my Zune dies, to hell with it and I'll choose the notebook.
That may mislead you to think I am normal. Rest assured, I'm a dedicated(to the music, at least) music nerd, especially in obscure genres. I'm a tad ashamed to admit my collection is at 1639 songs and growing daily. It's the music blogs...

-CD: Well, I asked that of you assuming that you, like many people, had a CD collection. I haven't bought a CD in years. Okay, well blank ones to make mixtapes. I have a few...HEY that's what I forgot to sort through. Anyway, I choose the data CD that holds my favorite photos. I don't think I cheated.

-art: a drawing my very close friend drew for me last year, definitely irreplaceable and holding more value to me that memory.

-book: This will be the tough one. Books are my weakness. I'm trying to think of one hard to obtain...well, I don't know of any that I couldn't find somewhere else. I would almost choose a very intriguing one that I haven't read yet, one of those in my queue, but it doesn't seem right for that reason. The next best choice is one that I read recently and wrote notes and thoughts in the margins of, but the notes are not for me, really, but for the next person that reads the book, and it will be lent out quite often, I think. That doesn't seem right either. I choose my journal or sorts. It's not a conventionally kept one, but the private place I have when I need to rant, write a poem, doodle, make lists. It illuminates the past few months and there is still a great deal to learn of myself from it.

Here is where I lost the rest of what I had typed. Myspace crashed my Chrome tab. I forgot to copy before sending; it was too late by the time I remembered. I had a good deal written, too. Bugger that. I'll try to put it down correctly again, but I was a wordsmith and crafted each statement to reflect my current thought. Bugger that too.

(cont.) It is a concrete record of my mind, state, thoughts, and experiences that cannot be edited by retrospective wishes.

You found my trigger. Give me a theoretical discussion and I become verbose, long-winded, and descriptive. This is only situational, although it of course has other elements. Philosophical notions make me prone to metaphors that verge on the abstract. Theoretical science makes the nature of my speech like the stereotypical professor's with thick wire- rimmed glasses, white hair, and perhaps a complementing thick mustache.

The rational observation, experience, and interpretation (subject only to objectivity) of reality will always remain my basis and aspiration.
I try to be precise and accurate, communicating in the most honest way that says exactly what I mean.

You may find that what I say is not confusing, if you can nearly abandon notions and stone preconceptions and allow me to attempt to tell you in a way that relates my information directly to the pure mind, the objective process of thought.

I would drop everything and float freely, no doubt. I may someday. I will find out later what happens in life, where it takes me. Although, of course I will react to events in my own will. Causes and events, which become causes, and so on, everything is. That's not profound, only relevant.

Here I went into a ramble about hoboism and career choices. Really, I'm sparing us both. It was a purely selfish expression.

I havea fantasy of training in the Japanese mountains. How many are there? Is there only Fuji? I feel dumb. I was thinking along the lines of ninjutsu with a archetypal wise old sensei. I should be ashamed, probably.

--omitted-- it is fair, I think, for me to give the information in return. My desired romantic relationship is this: I love(a strange word, evading specific description) the person; the person love me. I struggled with how to word the sentiment, and am still not satisfied. It is not exact and perhaps misleads with perceptions. This is only what I settle on. Of course, my emotions will not let me love someone I cannot. This seems obvious, but should not go unsaid. It is almost a perverse cousin of the paradox.

For the record, I meant relationships of any type, any way you relate to/associate with/are connected to a person. Examples: teacher/student, confidante, friends, siblings, parental, romantic, sexual, etc. Of course, adversarial relationships must be included, but I inquired with the theoretical offer of whatever the ideal relationships are to you.

Thanks for unlocking that part of my mind. I was beginning to think it was lost.

This took over two hours, factoring in the time I took to rewrite, but it was worth it, definitely; I crave and seek these ideas in any manifestation.
--omitted-- I end with another question.
-Which is more precious to you: things, experiences, people(cluster animals such as pets with this), or ideas?
-Which could you most easily give up, if any?
-Which would you choose if you could hold only one, the others no longer a part of you, foreign? -And of each of them specifically, which of the group could you most easily give up and which do you value most?
--Are the latter answers the same as to the question of which you would choose if you could keep only one? (which experience, which thing, which relationship, which idea?

You decide whether to speak in groups, types, or specifically. Also, the emotions associated with and resulting from each are naturally considered. Perhaps they are the source of all worth...
but that's another informal discussion-turned-essay. ;)

I'm still waiting on that reply, by the way. ;)
Also, I want to know what any of you aswer to the questions. Don't worry, you don't have to be a dork and ramble like I did.