I've felt it coming for a while.
I didn't eat enough for breakfast this morning- half an apple. My lunch wasn't enough- 3/4 cup whole grain Cheerios. I didn't do it on purpose, I just didn't get home as soon as I thought I would. I get home at 3:30 and I'm ravenous. I eat 19 Mini- Wheats with 1/4 cup skim milk. That doesn't satisfy me and I go upstairs to change clothes. I'd "obtained" some candy. Don't worry guys, nothing illegal, only immoral. I was going to eat it gradually over a few weeks. I first got sucked into picking because I had a chance to. That's all it takes anymore. 20 minutes. I'm feeling shitty and I haven't had my meds in 3 days on purpose because of the side effects. I feel shitty, like I said, because I was so looking foward to something and some bullshit tradition ruined it. That's all I'll say.
So I'm hungry and I don't know what else. I'm already unstable and at risk for a number of behaviors. My seratonin levels are low and cortisol levels high. I don't know what made me start, but I couldn't stop when I started.
Long story short, I ate an entire vending machine- sized bag of Skittles and Kit Kat Bar, then polished off the rest of the peppermint bark. I felt so guilty but the pleasure from it was amazing.
This might not seem like much in comparison, and my brand of fucked up isn't bulimic. But what I am can vary occasionally when driven. Impulse control and anxiety is at the center of everything. Anyway, as I was saying, for a health nut and low calorie eater like me, this is a shitload. I had no control.
So I exercised excessively today to relieve my guilt.
For supper, a few shrimp chewed and spit and eating half a tilapia filet.
I still felt hungry. I wished I hadn't put the other half of that tilapia down the garbage disposal. I think I ate some toffee or something, because I've been craving sugar and Bad Things today.
Later, I started to clean the hamster cage. I found myself picking again. Two hours.
Two fucking hours. I don't even know how I did that.
I said okay, when I finish the cage, I'll wash my hands and get something to eat because I'm hungry and my head is starting to hurt. So I eat a brownie. I wish I had eaten some fruit instead, but my metabolism is fast and I can take it. I don't feel guilty that much, but maybe because I took the last 2 days' pills 3 hours ago.
Soon I find myself in the kitchen craving sweets.
Another long short story, I consume a waffle with honey, leftover mashed potatoes, toffee, pickles, and a gingersnap. The nature of it was frenzied, and out of control. I guess my body wanted to feel full.
I dunno why I didn't go for the Butterfinger cake the entire time. Apparently, the compulsion included a low calorie clause.
Usually I'm more of the obsessive nutrient counting, calorie restricting, portion measuring, over-exercising, leg shaking, researching type. So today was wierd.
And I have no gag reflex, which is probably a good thing. Exercise is better for me.
Fun connection: they're often very intelligent, extremely talented athletes, perfectionists...