quick, before I lose another one!

thoughts bifurcate but we can only watch one they are forming unnoticed

er

"Hirsch discovered that men's penile blood flow increased up to 40% from the smell of cinnamon buns, roast meat, cheese pizza, chocolate, vanilla or peppermint."

1. Roast meat and cheese pizza. Well god damn humanity.

2. Meat...cheese...ahaha

3. That was a pathetic moment. Goddamn.

yesterday

As the car pulled up to the stoplight, I saw an arm hanging out the window holding a feather. The cars were in line for a moment, and caught with my hand across to my jaw, I looked the boy in his round eyes. I was so surprised that he was not a child- a teenager watching this feather. We took the exit and they went straight- a person in some other dimension important to me- and I will never encounter him again.

garbage

I am lost
So I am cruel
But I’d be love and sweetness
If I had you

I’m waiting
I’m waiting for you
I’m waiting
I’m waiting for you

I am weak
But I am strong
I can use my tears to
Bring you home

Pour your misery down on me please.

fell in love with a straight girl in an instant
fell in love with a boy and stayed there
never could fall in love with this other
falls in crush with all manner of people
falls in and out of love with another

Nap to round out my sleep. That makes 4 hours last night and 3 today.
First dream something about a door in the bathroom. There was a cat that was ours, but I don't remember if she looked like any of the 3. It was curved so it couldn't latch. Dad was being difficult. I finally whispered "fuck you" and he told me to go to my room and something else. I felt frustrated.
Dreamed I was at Jeremiah's house for some reason. There was a hallway. I think Hannah was in a room at the end on the right, very pregnant and about to deliver.
The next one: I was going around with Marilyn Manson and his posse. There was something about fighting a group of people. We raised our big swords. So did they. The leaders had the biggest. We trained with them for a bit and watched them. We were going to Marilyn Monroe's house for a private performance and it was going to last past 10:30. I was trying to figure out how to tell parents. This was the one with strange details.
And then something about going with Mum to a food exchange at Warren Wilson at Wilkes Cottage. I saw that on the cottage-"Wilkes Cottage". Some of the stuff we had grown but it was there in the ground and we pulled it up so the girl at the window could tell us about it. At the end she said they were going to move somewhere with bigger space. There were edibles planted everywhere among the landscaping.

Oddly not odd today, but very vivid and in good number. I didn't feel as confused in them.
boooooring but it's my blog and it's just my record, nyah nyah.

it's a good day, by gravity

So, dropped my course. Blah blah blah Mrs. Williams shit.Went to Mum's office. Received medicine for cramps and chocolate. Bless her. She showed me her pathology slideshows. Nice time. Came back, walked to Poole's with Damian. Loomed over Justin together. Walked Billy Goat to geometry. Came back. Eeeeh. Retrieved pear, ate walking around commons. Now I'm here. Good day so far, and I'm learning just how much I don't need stress to get things done.

how tragic

This woman, she is so insecure. She makes movements, useless movements and noise because the vital life in her is not functioning. It's replacement. I see many people behave in this way, and I cannot accept that this is anyone's true nature. The mind of man is hijacked.

just to see how different from before:

1. Which song describes the mood you are in right now?
Would I Be the One-Sean Lennon

2. Which song describes the mood you are usually in?
Relief-Cold War Kids

3. Which song describes one of your favorites things to do?
Sad Robot- Stars

4. Which song describes something else you like to do?
Little Bit- Lykke Li

5. Which song explains the way you think about love?
Jet Age- Ladytron

please no.

6. What would you sing to your soulmate right now?
Dissent-Andrew Bird

HAHAHA, perfect.

7. Which song best represents you?
Symphony Number 3 in E Flat-Beethoven

8. Which song describes your sexual preference?
Let's Make Love and Listen to Death From Above- CSS

9. Which song describes what would occur between you and a (male) prostitute
Patience-Bleach

10. Your lover on the side?
Angel in Disguise-Pillar

hahaha...nonono.

11. How about your wife or husband?
The Imperial March- John Williams(Star Wars)

12. Which song would be played at your wedding?
Behind Your Eyes-Jon Foreman

13. Which song would be played at your wedding reception?
Urge On!!-Polysics

14. Which song describes yourself in the future?
Regime Change-Disciple
Hooray!

15. Which song describes yourself in the past?
Every Man I Fall For-CWK

oh wow. um, no comment.

16. Which song would be appropriate for a one night stand?
See You In the Evening-Mazarin

17. Which song would best describe your first time kissing?
Help I'm Alive-Metric Fantasies

18. Your first time having sex?
Hella Good-No Doubt

I swear I'm not manipulating these.

19. Which song would best describe your fashion sense?
Ooh-Scissor Sisters

20. Which song would describe your taste in the opposite or same sex?
You Make Me like Charity- The Knife

21. Which song best describes your parents?
Guilty-Bee Gees

>:)

22. Which song best describes your family in general?
Elouise-Say Hi

23. Which song best describes your friends?
All Things Must Pass-The Beatles

24. Which song best describes your school?
Cold Beer and Remote Control-Indigo Girls

*smile*

basically.

25. Which song best describes your public personality?
The Year in Review-Her Space Holiday

26. Which song best describes your private personality?
Things Left Unsaid(acoustic)-Disciple

27. The weather outside is...
Nemesis-Aaron Parks

28. I feel like...
Enough-Disturbed

29. I would really love to...
Subtle Oddities-Lemon Demon

30. No one can stop me from...
Sleepwalking-Blindside

31. Today I will...
Sleep Tonight-Stars

32. Love is like...
Rave Suckers-0xbbninja

33. I would call myself...
Particle Beam Dream-JEFF

34. I've never been to...
God Put A Smile Upon Your Face-Coldplay

35. If I were a...
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh -Say Hi

36. Never forget...
Record Year-The Decemberists

37. Noone believes me when...
Oh Yoko-John Lennon

38. I would never...
Hooray, It's LA-Blindside

39. I could see myself as...
It's the End of the World as We Know It- R.E.M

40. I'm as fun as...
Head Like A Hole-NIN

41. I wish...
Sent To Destroy-Combichrist

42. He will never understand why...
Out of Character-Eulogies

43. I'm nearly...
Sick Muse- Metric

44. I want to see...
Lake of Fire-Nirvana

Nah, no matter what my parents say. :b

45. At night time...
Rock and Roll Band-Boston

46. My fashion sense is...
Bastille Day-Rush

47. I cry when...
Don't Wanna Leave Her Now-The Beatles

48. The moon is...
Flower of Scotland-Ceol Leinn

49. I get tired when...
When Fire Falls-Myriad

50. I lack...
Dry Clothes-Annuals

51. I'm so absorbing in...
More Than Useless-Relient K

52. I should be...
Radio Kaliningrad-Handsome Furs

53. I can't seem to forget...
Lady Madonna-The Beatles

54. Where in the world is...
Clinically Dead-Chad VanGaalen

55. I don't want to hear...
Love is a battlefield - Pat Benetar

56. Don't give up on...
Closer Than Close-Bee Gees

57. I should give up on...
Rumours-Love is All

58. I want to be...
Subdued-+/-

59. I like alot of...
This is Halloween- Marylin Manson

60. I often think about...
Failure to Excommunicate-Relient K

61. I don't understand why...
You Made My Day-Welcome Wagon

62. Guys are...
Faggot-MSI

Well that's offensive.

63. Girls go to...
Arms of a Thief-Iron and Wine

Mmm, yummy. Rogues!

64. I'm in trouble for...
Shark Attack-Freezepop


67. All I've ever cared about was...
Let it All Out- RK

68. Take me away from...
Hammer-Caribbean Island Steel Band

69. The worst possible thing is...
All the Small Things-Blink 182

YOU

01. What is your town like? Ares-Bloc Party

02. What mood are you in? Down With the Sickness

03. How's your love life? poopy-Neil Cicierega *giggle* Well, not quite.

04. What will you grow up to be? Fix You-Coldplay This song makes me cry every time.

05. What are you afraid of? All We Ask-Grizzly Bear

06. Best place you have ever been? Half a Person-The Welcome Wagon

07. What do you first think about in the morning? Rolling Star-Bleach

LIFE

01. What was your birth like? Paintbox-Pink Floyd ew.

02. How did you feel about life in the early years? Friends and Foes-Will Willis

03. What was your first crush like? From Me to You-The Beatles

04. Your worst fears? Mexican Dogs-CWK That really sounds bad in this context.

05. Your dream job as a child? Yaya-Ray Rogers

06. What will your first job be? The New Kid Revival- Her Space Holiday

07. How will your first love be? Bodies-Drowning Pool

08. Favorite hobby? The Boys and Girls- HSH

09. Something you HATE? Ebaum's World Dot Com-Lemon Demon heh.

10. Something you love? Thoughts of A Dying Atheist-Muse

11. Your wedding will be like? Neon Bible-The Arcade Fire Study this song, you guys.

12. How will you die? Teardrop-Massive Attack

13. What have people thought about you? Lion's Mane-Iron and Wine Hell yes. Hear my roar.

THE THINGS AROUND YOU

01. Your clothes are like? “Cupid Chain Gang-John Lennon and Paul McCartney

02. Your hair is like? Staples- RK

03. Your smile is like? Pirates- Indigo Jam Unit

04. Your school is like? The Asteroid Field-John Williams(Star Wars)

05. Your favorite drink is like? Maintenance Hall, 4am-Stars

06. Your favorite food is like? Words-BeeGees

07. Your humor is like? Tell Me in the Morning-CWK

SIMPLE QUESTIONS

01. Your name? Chasin' After You-Will Willis

02. Words to describe you? Sweet Transvestite- Rocky Horror Picture Show

03. Your current mood? Munich-The Editors

04. Favorite pasttime? Shag With the Stereo On-Tim Minchin

05. Your guitly pleasure? Toucha Toucha Toucha Touch Me- Rocky Horror

06. A pet peeve of yours? Echo Train-Chad VanGaalen

07. An embarrassing thing youve done? Instant Karma-John Lennon

08. Relationship status? Evening on the Ground-Iron and Wine

09. Future plans? At the End of the Sky-Darkel

10. Last words? Superstar-Saliva

Cower.

Yumblood.

From Music Because It's the Only Thing Filtering my Mind Through my Fingertips

Come What May
At Last
my love has come
As We Came
love is a madness
love is a sadness
What Are We?
in love
hands travel on the
Southbound Train
Going To A Town
making my own way out
until we reach
Oceanside

What if and What Not?

What if the clocks ran dry
What if the time stood by
What if the love was bared
What if the sky was shared
What if the hell was gone
What if the heart was bone
What if the gods above were alone?

***I imagine it would be a very bleak existence.

I've Learned

What have I learned? I've learned that I have inner strength that doesn't rely on anything. I've learned that you have to keep your head above the water as you let yourself get swept away by the current to a new land. I've learned that things that hurt you hurt. Scarred skin is tough. Healed skin is beautiful and an undetected part of myself. I've learned that incomplete resistance isn't failure; it's human and it's progress. It's Working On It. I've learned that emotions can be a fog that keeps you from seeing the way things are far away, but make you focus on what you are right now, right here. I've learned that it's hard to see over the mountains to the lush fields when you're crying a river in the lowest point of a valley. I've learned that once that river is all cried out, it will float you away and set you free with all the world and your life before your toes. I've learned that love begins, then Is, then wails, then Goes On. I've learned that self is ever-changing and never-ending. Forms run together and make the next, each former influencing the way it will happen to be next. I've learned much.
I can feel it. It's going to be One of Those Summers to follow the vibrant spring of my soul. We grew together and now we thrive apart, carrying the seeds we sowed, watered by outside forces. I loved you and now I Love.
People are perpetual saplings with the spirits of a great Oak.

I heart my frank pyschiatrist

Me: Well, I had a boyfriend for a few months, but he decided he must go on a spiritual journey that God was calling him to devote his heart fully to.
(long pause as Dr. L stares with an amused expression)
Me: Yeah, stay away from the poetic types.
Dr. L: Or the fruitloops.

All I can see is spots.

sunspots cast a glare in my eyes
sometimes i forget i'm alive
i feel it coming and i've gotta get out of it's way
i hear it calling and i come cuz i can't disobey
i should not listen and i shouldn't believe but i do
yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologize
for the way i feel

my life it seems has taken a turn
why in the name of god would i ever want to return

peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
i wanna kill away the rest of what's left
and i do
yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologize
for the way i feel

and nothing can stop me now
there's nothing to fear
and everything that ever was
is inside of here

woah woah woah woah woah
inside of here

now i just stare into the sun
and i see everything i've done
i think i could have been someone
but i can't stop what has begun
when everything is said and done
and there is no place left to run
i think i used to be someone
now i just stare into the sun
-NIN

It's Not Impossible
I wrote pages about how I could never
So many phases back and forth and wherever
Sometimes so quiet hearing the little mice creep
While in my head the riot wouldn’t let me sleep

Up hills in Portugal
Across the Berlin Wall
Now it’s hard to remember when
I had no hope of you my friend

But it’s not impossible
It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible

I looked for hands until I was surrounded
Everyone else seemed they already had found it
Never collected what I thought was owed me
Now I know it’s not you, but at least you showed me

It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible, I thought so
But it’s not impossible

I’m still not certain, but it’s not so deadly
I’m not that person that despaired so steadily
Like sink tap water through my hands it went
But as long as failure's only ninety nine percent

It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible, I thought so
But it’s not impossible
-Jeffrey Lewis

Gloating is Fucking Fun

You're locked in a room with the person you last kissed, how is it?
delicious and awesome




What is your current mood?
Saturday afternoon




What are you currently listening to?
a lawnmower




Is there anyone you know that deserves to get slapped?
many





Have you had your first kiss yet?
yes






Where do you go when you need to just get away?
Wynonia





Will the next month be a good one?
I'll make it so



What's something you really want right now?
a working charger for poor Trydan



Who last called you babe or baby?
uh...no one




How do you feel about your hair right now?
I feel...pretty? Oh so pretty?





Is there someone that makes you happy every time you speak with them?
yes





When is the last time you said you were fine and you really weren't?
maybe topically, but it's been some time now





Who was the last person to make fun of you?
the only person who can and get away with it




Will this upcoming weekend be a good one?
definitely





Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months?
yeah, I think so





Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed?
yes



Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
one of my favorite places to be




When was the last time you talked to your best friends?
yesterday



Would you like to put last night on repeat, and live it forever?
hell no; can you imagine the life would I never experience if I did that?




Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Ian






Have you ever fallen asleep with the last person you kissed?
no



When is the next time you'll hug someone?
soon




Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend?
yes




Where was your default picture taken?
the road




What was the weather like today?
overcast and warm, but I like it





Is it easy to make you cry?
no





What would you do if your best friend died?
oh shit...I don't know if I could do anything





I bet you miss somebody right now?
not really





Can you honestly say your okay right now?
fucking bloody hell yes!





What are you doing tomorrow night?
no idea





What about the night after that?
no idea





Do you tell people you're okay when you're really not?
as a formality





What's a recent memory that you miss?
the night...the stars and moon...lying in the grass...sitting on the rooftop, on the bridge, in the thicket...




Last person you saw other than your family?
Jake and Ian




Do you think people have any misconceptions about you?
that's a universal thing




According to your Ex, you are...?
not affectionate

I'm not afraid

What is your favorite thing that is green?
moss in the rain

Are you in love with someone right now?
I'm thinking yes, but I want Time to define it further

Did you feel better or worse or the same yesterday?
"it's getting better all the time"

Do you sleep well at night?
usually
but sometimes I dwell on happiness and can't drift away from consciousness
Reality is better than my dreams or black foggy unawareness

What did you last cry over?
wanting to be in a certain state

Who was the last person you said I love you to?
OH SHIT DID I WRITE THAT-
I suppose I did.

Where do you want to be?
That is no matter of fear. That is special and its just for me, thank you.

Who do you want to be with?
//9!

Ever been in true love?
What an assuming notion. How would anyone know, other than telling theirself?

Rolled on the ground w/ the opposite sex?
Yes, but it was much more violent and in good fun, like overgrown lion cubs, than sexual. Heh, don't tell Jesse I called him an overgrown child.

Most missed Memory?
!! /w/6 // !3-5/!

Favorite thing about them?
him. That's my goddamned favorite thing.

Would you die for this person?
how selfish of me that would be

What is your worst memory?
loose lipped animal
a solid space to pain is a verbing noun
I became grasping vine
no hope tree support
knowledge
and the metaphor becomes hidibeast

I'm not fucking pro-life and I don't want to pretend to be on invitation

I won't bitch and moan about the total ineffectiveness of Facebook activism.
Even if it is.
BUT-
Why the hell send me a goddamned invitation to a group like "Let's See How Many Pro Life People Are On Facebook" or "I love Jesus and He Loves Me Too!" Come freaking on, it pisses me off in a way I am usually immune to. Maybe I wouldn't be so annoyed if you didn't know how fucking lefty and PRO CHOICE I am or that I'm openly atheist.
You guys know you can skip the "invite your friends" part, right? No shitting you, Robocop isn't going to laser beam down your fucking front door and drag you into the street to ass-rape you as the neighborhood kids watch.
You won't even be deleted from the group.
Fucking fucktastical fuck-fucking fucker.
Gahd.
And don't bother sending me lame fucking app invites. I'll delete them and think of you as even more pathetic and boring than I already know someone who spends their time taking bullshit quizzes and virtually poking people they haven't seen since middle school to be.

sweet Mother Mary in a slice of toast, this is delicious

Coffee+Choco milk mix(for example: Hershey's or Carnation Instant Breakfast) = yum

Don't skip the sugar, though. It makes it sweet and wonderful.
Creamer and flavored syrup, like hazelnut or caramel, can be added for combos.
Sugar in the Raw is delicious on toppa the whipped cream.

Things I've Done

Things you have done during your lifetime:
() Gone on a blind date
(X) Skipped school
() Watched someone die
() Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been on a helicopter (but I wasn't born yet)
(X) Been lost
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Swam in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
() Sang Karaoke
() Paid for a meal with coins only
() Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
() Been to the top of the Empire State Building
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t.
(X) Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
() Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (annoyingly yes)
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
() Gone skinny dipping
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
() Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
( ) Paid it forward
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(X) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(X) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
() Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
(X) Been on a cruise
(X) Traveled by train
( ) Traveled by motorcycle
(X) Been horseback riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(X) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World
() Been in a rain forest
( ) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Ridden on an elephant
() Ridden on a camel
() Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
() Been snow-skiing
() Been to Westminster Abbey
() Been to the Louvre
( ) Been to a bull fight in Spain
() Swam in the Mediterranean
(X) Been to a Major League Baseball game (against my will)
( ) Been to a National Football League game
(X) Been moved to tears
(X) Done something to change someone else’s life

Not bad for sixteen years. I'm not going to stop at these, though. ;)