All I can see is spots.

sunspots cast a glare in my eyes
sometimes i forget i'm alive
i feel it coming and i've gotta get out of it's way
i hear it calling and i come cuz i can't disobey
i should not listen and i shouldn't believe but i do
yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologize
for the way i feel

my life it seems has taken a turn
why in the name of god would i ever want to return

peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
i wanna kill away the rest of what's left
and i do
yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologize
for the way i feel

and nothing can stop me now
there's nothing to fear
and everything that ever was
is inside of here

woah woah woah woah woah
inside of here

now i just stare into the sun
and i see everything i've done
i think i could have been someone
but i can't stop what has begun
when everything is said and done
and there is no place left to run
i think i used to be someone
now i just stare into the sun
-NIN

It's Not Impossible
I wrote pages about how I could never
So many phases back and forth and wherever
Sometimes so quiet hearing the little mice creep
While in my head the riot wouldn’t let me sleep

Up hills in Portugal
Across the Berlin Wall
Now it’s hard to remember when
I had no hope of you my friend

But it’s not impossible
It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible

I looked for hands until I was surrounded
Everyone else seemed they already had found it
Never collected what I thought was owed me
Now I know it’s not you, but at least you showed me

It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible, I thought so
But it’s not impossible

I’m still not certain, but it’s not so deadly
I’m not that person that despaired so steadily
Like sink tap water through my hands it went
But as long as failure's only ninety nine percent

It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible, I thought so
But it’s not impossible
-Jeffrey Lewis

damn- or, 3 little binges all in a row

I've felt it coming for a while.
I didn't eat enough for breakfast this morning- half an apple. My lunch wasn't enough- 3/4 cup whole grain Cheerios. I didn't do it on purpose, I just didn't get home as soon as I thought I would. I get home at 3:30 and I'm ravenous. I eat 19 Mini- Wheats with 1/4 cup skim milk. That doesn't satisfy me and I go upstairs to change clothes. I'd "obtained" some candy. Don't worry guys, nothing illegal, only immoral. I was going to eat it gradually over a few weeks. I first got sucked into picking because I had a chance to. That's all it takes anymore. 20 minutes. I'm feeling shitty and I haven't had my meds in 3 days on purpose because of the side effects. I feel shitty, like I said, because I was so looking foward to something and some bullshit tradition ruined it. That's all I'll say.
So I'm hungry and I don't know what else. I'm already unstable and at risk for a number of behaviors. My seratonin levels are low and cortisol levels high. I don't know what made me start, but I couldn't stop when I started.
Long story short, I ate an entire vending machine- sized bag of Skittles and Kit Kat Bar, then polished off the rest of the peppermint bark. I felt so guilty but the pleasure from it was amazing.
This might not seem like much in comparison, and my brand of fucked up isn't bulimic. But what I am can vary occasionally when driven. Impulse control and anxiety is at the center of everything. Anyway, as I was saying, for a health nut and low calorie eater like me, this is a shitload. I had no control.
So I exercised excessively today to relieve my guilt.
For supper, a few shrimp chewed and spit and eating half a tilapia filet.
I still felt hungry. I wished I hadn't put the other half of that tilapia down the garbage disposal. I think I ate some toffee or something, because I've been craving sugar and Bad Things today.
Later, I started to clean the hamster cage. I found myself picking again. Two hours.
Two fucking hours. I don't even know how I did that.
I said okay, when I finish the cage, I'll wash my hands and get something to eat because I'm hungry and my head is starting to hurt. So I eat a brownie. I wish I had eaten some fruit instead, but my metabolism is fast and I can take it. I don't feel guilty that much, but maybe because I took the last 2 days' pills 3 hours ago.
Soon I find myself in the kitchen craving sweets.
Another long short story, I consume a waffle with honey, leftover mashed potatoes, toffee, pickles, and a gingersnap. The nature of it was frenzied, and out of control. I guess my body wanted to feel full.
I dunno why I didn't go for the Butterfinger cake the entire time. Apparently, the compulsion included a low calorie clause.
Usually I'm more of the obsessive nutrient counting, calorie restricting, portion measuring, over-exercising, leg shaking, researching type. So today was wierd.
And I have no gag reflex, which is probably a good thing. Exercise is better for me.
Fun connection: they're often very intelligent, extremely talented athletes, perfectionists...

things that are not on the calorie need calculator's list of activities

1. tapping the floor methodically in patterns of movement and sound
2. chanting with "spoon", "knife", and "fork"
2. touching a nail to places on the chair so dad doesn't die, making sure to only touch the blanket as you do so
3. picking scabs
4. rubbing neck just below ears
5. placing things on the desk in neat rows at the edge of the counter
6. worrying about perfection
8. weighing nutritional value of all like foods in the cabinet
9. lining up the seashells in neat rows by category and size
10. making lists