quick, before I lose another one!

thoughts bifurcate but we can only watch one they are forming unnoticed

how tragic

This woman, she is so insecure. She makes movements, useless movements and noise because the vital life in her is not functioning. It's replacement. I see many people behave in this way, and I cannot accept that this is anyone's true nature. The mind of man is hijacked.

What if and What Not?

What if the clocks ran dry
What if the time stood by
What if the love was bared
What if the sky was shared
What if the hell was gone
What if the heart was bone
What if the gods above were alone?

***I imagine it would be a very bleak existence.

I've Learned

What have I learned? I've learned that I have inner strength that doesn't rely on anything. I've learned that you have to keep your head above the water as you let yourself get swept away by the current to a new land. I've learned that things that hurt you hurt. Scarred skin is tough. Healed skin is beautiful and an undetected part of myself. I've learned that incomplete resistance isn't failure; it's human and it's progress. It's Working On It. I've learned that emotions can be a fog that keeps you from seeing the way things are far away, but make you focus on what you are right now, right here. I've learned that it's hard to see over the mountains to the lush fields when you're crying a river in the lowest point of a valley. I've learned that once that river is all cried out, it will float you away and set you free with all the world and your life before your toes. I've learned that love begins, then Is, then wails, then Goes On. I've learned that self is ever-changing and never-ending. Forms run together and make the next, each former influencing the way it will happen to be next. I've learned much.
I can feel it. It's going to be One of Those Summers to follow the vibrant spring of my soul. We grew together and now we thrive apart, carrying the seeds we sowed, watered by outside forces. I loved you and now I Love.
People are perpetual saplings with the spirits of a great Oak.

All I can see is spots.

sunspots cast a glare in my eyes
sometimes i forget i'm alive
i feel it coming and i've gotta get out of it's way
i hear it calling and i come cuz i can't disobey
i should not listen and i shouldn't believe but i do
yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologize
for the way i feel

my life it seems has taken a turn
why in the name of god would i ever want to return

peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground
fuck in the fire and we'll spread all the ashes around
i wanna kill away the rest of what's left
and i do
yes i do

she turns me on
she makes it real
i have to apologize
for the way i feel

and nothing can stop me now
there's nothing to fear
and everything that ever was
is inside of here

woah woah woah woah woah
inside of here

now i just stare into the sun
and i see everything i've done
i think i could have been someone
but i can't stop what has begun
when everything is said and done
and there is no place left to run
i think i used to be someone
now i just stare into the sun
-NIN

It's Not Impossible
I wrote pages about how I could never
So many phases back and forth and wherever
Sometimes so quiet hearing the little mice creep
While in my head the riot wouldn’t let me sleep

Up hills in Portugal
Across the Berlin Wall
Now it’s hard to remember when
I had no hope of you my friend

But it’s not impossible
It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible

I looked for hands until I was surrounded
Everyone else seemed they already had found it
Never collected what I thought was owed me
Now I know it’s not you, but at least you showed me

It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible, I thought so
But it’s not impossible

I’m still not certain, but it’s not so deadly
I’m not that person that despaired so steadily
Like sink tap water through my hands it went
But as long as failure's only ninety nine percent

It’s not impossible, now I know
It’s not impossible, I thought so
But it’s not impossible
-Jeffrey Lewis

drafting, free will, and consent of the governed

If the power of the government lies in the willingness of the people to be governed, what can be said about the draft? For that matter, what about any law?
Is consenting to be governed worth as much as consenting by free will?
Of course, you have free will. But do you have freedom if the consequences are so undesirable they are almost always a deterrent?
Free will is an illusion, correct? Are our actions not determined by biological reactions, urges, and programming? So it seems "free will" is merely a euphemism for possibility. But then, can anything be done about the state of the cat in the box?
By this line of reasoning, the most potent government is one without laws. Perhaps not the most stable or the safest, but the most powerful.
Then the question becomes one of the primal inclinations of humanity, from that, society.

Happy Bullshit Day!

ingredients for an awesome February 14, alone
-1 large hot bath
-chamomile bath oils/salts to taste
-1 good book, completely unrelated to romance
-Songbird, laptop, remote control
-one small bowl of fruit, chocolate
-8 oz. ice water
-2 cozy towels
-1 house coat


1. You're home alone. Walk around naked. Liberating, hmm?

2. Fill bath with comfortably hot water. Add oil and salts.
3. Prepare fruit. Serve with slab of chocolate and glass of cold water.
4. Place laptop on counter. Open media playing program. Play favorite music.
5. Search for appropriate book on shelf. Place on side of bath.

6.Check water temperature with foot.
7. Place towel in water. Lower self into water. Relax muscles.
8. Read book and eat fruit with bites of choco.
9. Close book. Sink into bathwater.
10. Breathe deeply. Try taking deep breaths while submerged.
11. Enjoy almost weightless sensation.

12. When feeling drowsy or soggy, get out of tub and dry self with towel.
13. Put on robe.
14. Snuggle with cat.

and step 15: Feel the fucking lower back-I-don't-even-know-what-the-hell-it-is-actually pain return.
FFFUUUUUUUUU

Honestly, though, it was pleasant. The bath. The pain sucked.

I learn about me from what I never think of

1) How would you prove your moral fiber to someone?

I would be it and explain it.

2) If you wanted your death to have the maximum dramatic effect on people around you, how would you choose to die?

slump quietly over on a park bench when I know someone is watching

3) If you could pick any one of your (childhood or current) stuffed animals to be, which one would you choose? Why?

Mumsy- he's a ninja beaver, loved by all but free as an eagle

Also, he gets great sex, all the time. He's a puppet, you see.

4) What is the thing of highest value that you have ever lost?

the Quincy cross is all permanently